Graceful Day

 

"Cloud Gate" by ancawonka

Everyone says how much having children changes your life, and I knew this intellectually but the reality of it hit me like a train. Overnight, my life had changed in a wonderful, but very intense way.  I felt immediately how much I would need help. Divine help. In a big way. And there were very, very hard days when I felt I couldn't make it, that I was a bad mother, and I selfishly mourned the freedom and leisure my previous life held.

And then there are amazing, beautiful days when the cloud cover clears and I am able to see my blessings for what they really are. My cozy, warm home. My wonderful husband and family. My sweet little daughter. Today was one of those days when I was able to see Grace working in my life and I knew that everything would be okay. I am so blessed.

Under His Guard

"The Guardian Angel" Henri Decaisne

I happened to catch a glimpse of this painting in the calendar we got from the Church last year.  I was immediately struck by the emotion it evokes for me: the worry, the exhaustion, the ache captured so vividly in the image of the mother resonates so acutely with my first experience of motherhood.  Along with the immense joy I felt with the birth of my daughter came an aching I had never experienced before. The only way I can describe it is that I felt the weight of the world fall upon me. I felt suddenly and deeply aware of all the pain and the suffering endured by others. I felt afraid for the pain this imperfect world would bring for my small, precious baby. I worried that her pain would break my heart and, at times, it seemed that all the worry, the stress, the physical exhaustion would break me completely.

I recall one night in particular when I was trying (unsuccessfully) to calm my very fussy daughter. It was the middle of the night and I was running on almost no sleep. My hormones were in postpartum crash-mode, and I was at my wit's end. I tried expressing my anguish in prayer, but the only words that I could seem to form were "Jesus, help me" over and over again. It was only in this moment that I started to realize how much I had been trying to "carry" on my own. I had let my frustration and fear  cause me to be short-sighted. Instead of handing over the future and the problems of this broken world to Him, I had been trying to carry them on my own and was failing miserably. When I finally realized that my only hope was to rely on His strength, I was able to regain the hope I had lost and found my strength renewed. Looking back, I realize how much He was with me through this tough time, even though I wasn't always aware of it.

Yes, the world is still a very scary place. There is still suffering and sin and, unfortunately, my daughter will have her own share of that suffering. But I also have a renewed hope in the promises of Easter; the promise that "God's dwelling is with the human race. He will dwell with them and they will be his people and God himself will always be with them...He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, (for) the old order has passed away" (Rev. 21:3-5). The guardian angel in this painting is such a great reminder of this Christian hope for the future. We are always in His gaze and under His guard.

Interior Freedom and Motherhood

Photo from whatsthatpicture

I have been reading an incredible book called Interior Freedom by Fr. Jacques Philippe. I am not finished with it yet, but something from the first chapter struck me as being so relevant for moms with small children, I had to share. Fr. Philippe tells a story of when he had the privilege of entering into the cloistered, Carmelite convent where St Therese of Lisieux lived. He had read her writings and had imagined what the cloister, garden, where she spent her life would look like. He was amazed at how ordinary and small everything was. His conclusion is amazing:

Why does Therese's world--humanly speaking, such a narrow and poor one--give the sense of being so ample and spacious? Why does such an impression of freedom leap out from the account she gives of her life in Carmel? Quite simply because Therese loves intensely. She is so on fire with love for God and charity for her sisters, and she carries the Church and the whole world with motherly tenderness

What a beautiful insight not only into motherhood as a cloistered nun, but also into the vocation of married motherhood. Phillipe aptly describes Therese as a "queen with the whole world at her feet" who through love can "travel to every point in the globe where a missionary needs her prayers and sacrifices".

These ideas really struck me to the heart. Instead of feeling sorry for myself because I'm "stuck at home with the baby," I could be, with God's help, transcending and transforming my little space in the world through prayer and love. I love the image of Therese, from her small cloister, giving strength and courage to the missionaries and poor throughout the entire Church.

I definitely recommend this book and another of Philippe's books, Time for God, if you are looking for some spiritual reading.

Real Hermits

As much as I joke about my isolated, cozy life at home, it doesn't compare to the fascinating lives of real life hermits. Enjoy this part of a BBC documentary that highlights the lives of hermits who live in the Egyptian desert (I originally discovered this video via Conversion Diary).